Post-Prandial Paranoia
Please Stop Talking to Me, I’m British
Let’s be honest: no one has an interesting job. And those who do, we cannot cope with it, which is why televised extended adventures involving said jobs are much easier to process. Small doses of the nuclear scientist, intelligence agent, corrupt politician (regular politicians are boring), and rogue plumber are the only way to properly appreciate the exciting people that are in our lives.
This topic comes up in gatherings that people like to refer to as “parties” during the tradition or practice of ‘small talk’. I do not do small talk. Sometimes I will tell people I’m a stand up comedian. This may sound like a lie, because claiming this suggests it’s a full time thing, when it isn’t and won’t ever be in this economy.
It’s like a casual runner who does 20-30k a week in the midst of their usual weekly commitments saying “I’m an athlete.” According to the email newsletter from runningfordummies.com, they definitely are. I will not take that away from them. Because I don’t want them to take my dreams from me. The difference between us, however, is the follow-up question. If they claim “athlete” as their primary answer, the next question will undoubtedly be, “what events are you competing in next?” To which the answer would be Battersea Park Run.
The follow up question for me on claiming ‘comedian’ is, “tell me a joke.” To which I can gracefully transition into a diatribe about that being a very one-dimensional understanding of ‘comedian’ vs. ‘joke writer’ and while there are certainly jokes I tell throughout a stand-up set, I wouldn’t be able to do it justice in this current setting due to...
And now we have gone from ‘small talk’ to ‘medium talk’.
Medium talk is when one party is dreadfully interested in the topic and the other is realising their mouth is a little parched and wondering if the free bar is still open. Your outfit portrays an invitation to light-hearted interactions thanks to your fun cat meme design on your tote bag, but this has betrayed them, and they cannot comfortably escape.
I use my own version of a ‘skip intro’ button in a new introduction by providing the recent weather reports in a 15 second sound bite, show them a picture of my cat and a recent holiday, and my latest LinkedIn1 post from 14 years ago so we can get on with an actual conversation.
The conversation in question? Big talk. One could refer to it as large or perhaps extra large talk, as a way to t-shirt size the experience, but let’s be real: t-shirt sizing anything that isn’t a t-shirt is incredibly annoying and I will not entertain that as an action item to estimate something for a work meeting.
This short guide should help to cut through the crust of pretense.
You will quickly find out who is worth being in the same room with, and who is there for the bottled beer. An odd trend will appear that, in the main, those that are there due to some close relationship with the person who was actually invited to the thing is probably going to respond better to this method than the core party-goers. This is intended.
If all goes to plan, you are now standing alone by the hummus; exactly where you wanted to be.
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